1. Start the trip with two U-Haul trailers (one overloaded by about 2,000 pounds), one SUV pulling a motorcycle on a trailer, and one car. Contents: four adults and four children under the age of six.
2. Be sure to begin driving at lunchtime, without any lunch.
3. Time your departure so that you are leaving town concurrently with 20,000 Marines.
4. Make sure someone doesn’t use the restroom when you stop for lunch.
5. Buy LOTS of drinks at the next gas stop.
6. Make sure someone doesn’t go to the bathroom when you stop for the gas and drinks.
7. Have a bee fly down the shirt of one of the U-Haul drivers, so that he can pull over on the side of the interstate to make sure it doesn’t fly into his pants.
8. Teach your 16-month-old to sign “bathroom” so that you can pull over on the side of the interstate again and let her try to go in the grass. She’ll go, but the people who pull over to help you might be concerned.
9. Convince someone to rear-end you at a red light, then simply drive around you when you try to pull over and check for damages. Make sure you don’t get their license plate information or the make and model of their car.
10. Arrive at your destination sometime after 10pm and enjoy having no electricity and, because it’s a well, no water. Cleanliness is overrated.